Chapter 14
Light at the end.
These days I have a short writing time frame. My nails and finger tips are so sensitive that just the slightest bit of pressure on them hurts like a bitch. As a result, typing is generally out of the question. There is also the issue of trying to get your drugs out of the blister packs that the drug companies insist on using. Don’t they realize sick people with numb fingers and sore nails can’t push these things through……sheesh. With just two more chemo sessions left I can see the light at the end of this very long tunnel. I am starting to make plans for the future. I know there is still a little ways to go with radiation and all, but it’s better than where I started 9 months ago. This is the home stretch and I have found myself doing more research on reconstruction. I would love to get it all over and done with this year so I had a little chat with Dr. Geoff but again he burst my bubble. He has a habit of doing just that but as he said, we both have different priorities. His is to get me well again and mine is to have my boob back. Dr. Chris has given me names of two reconstructive surgeons, one in particular I think I like, (not having met him yet it’s a bit hard to really know but on paper I like him. There is a relatively new procedure using microsurgery called a DIEP flap. Same kind of procedure as the TRAM flap but less invasive on the stomach muscles. It’s the new golden egg forward in reconstruction. Well I think that’s the case… When the time comes I will make my decision. I just wish it was sooner rather than later. I have seen all the lovely fashions out there for this summer and I would have liked to be a part of that but instead I will be wearing cami’s under everything. Bring back winter and make it cold this time! I tend to get angry at people easily these days, I am very much over the stares and the women that sit in the cafes with their long flowing hair blowing in the breeze with their cleavage hanging out of their tops. I want that, hang on, that used to be me… Lol. I just have to keep reminding myself that it will be me again… “All in good time my dear” I keep telling myself. I’m not the most patient person on the planet as those who know me can attest. I also want a holiday. At this point it would seem I want everything and you know what, why shouldn’t I. I have time to think of what I want and surf the “super highway” gathering information. I find my eyes are always leaking now and of all the things I deal with, this I find a little embarrassing. It looks like I’m always crying… Trouble is, my face is so numb that I don’t feel my eyes dripping down my cheek… Maybe that’s why I get the stares.
Country meets city.
It’s Ekka time! Greg is finally home again and we are off to the Ekka. For those of you who don’t know what this is…..it’s a big agricultural show complete with rides, junk food, show bags and freaks. Just like the Sydney Royal only smaller. We arrived at around 10am on the Friday, less people than on a weekend so you can actually get around. We wandered around taking in all the samples of food and wine that one could stomach, not that I could taste them, but I can sure put on a show to make them feel good about the product they are peddling. The show bag pavilion was almost empty of people first up in the morning so we got to take our time and look at all the junk in the bags. It’s the same year in year out, no value at all, but you just have to waste your money and buy them. It’s tradition isn’t it? 11 hours we did the whole wander thing and I was exhausted beyond words, after all it was only day 2 after my last chemo hit. There were huge monster trucks, the precision driving team, horse dudes doing their stuff with guns and whips and things, and of course the grand finale fireworks at the end which were spectacular with a laser light show mixed in. Lucky for us we are seasoned show goers and we secured a locker earlier in the day for our belongings. This locker was filled to capacity with show bags for Dylan and wine for us… OK, maybe there were one or two bags for us too…
Not feeling myself.
Today is my “social visit” at HOCA. Herceptin infusions are usually uneventful, hence “social visit”. Seriously you still get stuck with a needle and you still have to sit there for what is usually an hour and a half tops….how can that be a social visit. Bring on the wine and dips minus the drugs, then it’s a social visit. As usual though, it’s never an hour and a half… Lynne was the lucky recipient of my company this time. She drove all the way up from down near the border just to keep me company. Four and half hours (and 2 bags of blood) later… No wonder I just don’t feel like myself anymore. I have so many different peoples blood swimming around in me… That’s probably why my mind is thinking strange thoughts, like when I saw a man in a yellow polo shirt last time in the waiting room at the HOCA I had this over whelming urge to stab him with a pen! Now, it’s no secret that I don’t like yellow, but this was a little OTT even for me! I also have feelings of hate towards women with cleavage and flowing hair! I love boobs and long hair… Then there was the piece of meat I ate at the Ekka... What was I thinking? That was something I haven’t done since I was about 5 years old… OMG what sort of blood is being stored these days??? More to the point, whose blood are they harvesting and where is it coming from? Mmmm maybe I need to google it!.. Or do I really want to know what sort of person is giving? Maybe it’s a conspiracy to infect as many people with mad blood to take over the world… That will be the next epidemic, “mad blood disease” Oh stop that, that’s just ridiculous. Or is it????
Ceremonial burning.
What a morning I have had. You know the days that you just wish you never jumped out of bed let alone got out of bed? Well I’ve had one of those today! The carpet is still wet from when I flooded the galley the other day so for over a week now I have been checking that the sink pump was working before I drain the shower into that sump. Today I didn’t check because it has been working fine… But not today! Water everywhere all through the carpet and rug, and boy does it stink! Before all this though, the aircon was playing up. As a precaution I had turned it off and unplugged it just in case something happened while I was sleeping or not home. I decided to turn it back on for a little while in an attempt to dry the carpet… nope, nothin’!… I couldn’t get it to turn on at all! Then after a sleepless night, I jumped (actually crawled) out of bed, not feeling to cheery. Chemo day again and not being too thrilled about it either. Just when I thought the day couldn’t get any worse….it did. The toilet decided to block up. After about an hour and a half of trying to get a worn out pump to pump and about 3 tear soaked tissues and one abusive phone call to an absent husband later (sorry Greg), the blockage was freed. Lucky I have no clue how to burn a ferro boat coz if I did a bonfire would have been kidnapped’s fait. After my little ordeal and mindless rant, I pulled myself together… I had to! I had a date with the needle and needed to shower and get dressed into something that fitted… This is something that’s getting harder and harder as the weeks march on. I can’t believe how puffy I am! I look back at photos taken just 6 months ago and it’s very depressing… I know I hear you all say “don’t look” and I try not to, but sometimes you just can’t help it. My weight has never really been too much of an issue before but for the moment I’m a passenger on the weight rollercoaster… Life after drugs however is going to be different… I can’t wait! With all the things that had gone wrong this morning, I was fully expecting my blood cells wouldn’t perform well enough for me to have chemo today. That would mean it would put me a week behind finishing. Again, I know I’m getting ahead of myself, let’s wait and see... Thankfully, my little soldiers performance was nothing short of magical. No blood transfusions for my platelets, no hobgoblins, no extra needles because of my white cells either. The only draw back was that I could feel the needle going into the portacath…..not pretty. I didnt swear like last time, well not as loudly or harshly. Poor Angela, lucky she doesn’t remember that time. I know your all thinking that I might have lost the plot, lost my edge, my drive, my strength… If I really want to be honest with my self, I had! HAD being the operative word! I have been trying to be so good, so brave for just a few day over eight months now and let me tell you, it seems like an eternity. My life has been permanently changed for ever, both good and bad. I guess with one more toxic infusion to go I really can see that light shining, gleaming, so bright it burns my eyes. Now that would explain why my arms aren’t long enough… lol. My radiology oncologist has been booked in and this next phase will start in approximately six weeks time. What this means is, for about five week I will be visiting the radiology department every day! Along with this it would seem my dream of having a reconstruction before Christmas has faded to just that, a dream. Apparently, the radiated skin becomes brittle and if a reconstruction is performed too early I could run the risk of losing the girl forever. Now that would be an absolute atrocity not only for me, but for everyone. That’s because you would all have to all put up with me moanin’ and bitchin’. So, my patient shoes and wait-a-while gloves are on. Now, I have vented, ranted, and raved about the things that are buggin’ me! It’s 4am and I feel better… Ready to move forward.
Sydney trippin.
I have been trying to plan our trip to Sydney for September. That’s when we get to see Wicked! That’s right folks, front row centre stage on the 16th. There is so much we need to do while we are there, and the trip needs to be scheduled around what will be my last chemo hit and when I start radiation. The window isn’t that large and we need to fit in a 50th birthday celebration for my old high school, I think it will be fun to see just how fat we have all become. It’s been 30 and then some years since I left. Oooo now I’ve said that I’m getting nervous. I’m one of those “puffy” ones. Too late, the tickets have been purchased and accommodation booked! Too late to chicken out now! There is also a bunch of friends that I would like to catch up with, some I haven’t seen in years. We also need to catch up with my dear old Dad, and my good ol’ reliable Aunty Shirley and Uncle Albert. When Dad was sick with his cancer back in 2004, they were my rock. Something I will always be grateful for.