Chapter 12
Solitude.
For more than the past 20 years I have always been very active. There was always something consuming my life, whether it was the kids, my career, travel, planning my next big adventure or just being out on the town being a social butterfly. Doing things alone was never a problem for me because I knew I would never be alone for long. I couldn’t sit still for long and there were never enough hours in a day. I craved solitude because it was so rare to have a moment to myself. I longed for the day to arrive when I could just put my feet up and relax… My how things change… These days I have no idea what to do with myself when Greg is away. He is away a lot more now. I guess since I’m not working someone has to earn the big bucks and I know he hates leaving but it has to be done. I seem to have lost the ability to occupy myself though and although I am going to blame the drugs (because a good Leo would never blame herself), I know they are not the cause. I find it amazing to see just how much you really rely on a partner for entertainment. My brain constantly tries to come up with new things but it just seems so foggy and just way too hard, I’ve never experienced this before... I just don’t know where to start! I have been told a hobby is good but I’ve never had much time for hobbies. The only one I ever really had was my dogs. I used to spend countless weekends touring around the country side showing my Dobermans. Not something I could do now though, I mean where would I keep these majestic animals on the yacht? Its not that big! Haha now that would be a challenge for me… I know my friends and family are there for me, but I just don’t want to be a burden to them. They all have their own lives to live and enough things of their own to do.
I took a drive out to visit the girls at work the other day. It was so good to see them… I can’t wait to get back. I really miss the interaction. I miss using my negotiation skills, I miss the wit and smart ass comments, the competition, the sharing of mindless banter. As soon as my body can work out what it’s doing with my chemo I will be back, even if it’s just for a few days a week till I get things working properly again.
Cinderella.
Greg was home for 3 days this time and we wanted to make the most of our time together. I was still feeling pretty down, it must be the drugs, I have never felt this way before. I have always been a very upbeat person… The “Think Pink Ball” was fast approaching and I went to the house to retrieve some of my gowns, one in particular, my wedding dress. I wanted to wear it again… It’s not your typical wedding gown of course, but a Japanese inspired simple white “A” line gown, encrusted with maroon Shasta daisies elegantly placed on mint green, maroon, and black swishes. Simple but very elegant! The neck line I thought sat quite high, very dignified in fact, but alas it wasn’t high enough. Not only was the neckline all wrong but the zipper wouldn’t do up! I have puffed up so much!!! I couldn’t believe it, I was devastated yet again, and as usual of late the tears flowed. I cleaned up my face and Greg and I headed into the city for some serious gown shopping. I wasn’t looking forward to shopping for a ball gown because from past experience I knew it was all about the tits and arse! Whilst my arse is still fine, my tits, for obvious reasons, are not what they once were! We looked and looked and saw nothing appropriate unless you wanted the “mother of the bride” look. The sales assistants mostly were of no help, what part of “high neck line” didn’t they understand. We were about to give up and had only two more shops to look at. So after 5 hours of trying on every imaginable style and flicking through the racks I tried on another half dozen dresses at what seemed to be our last hope and believe me, by this time I was willing to try anything! Even the off one shoulder style was not out of the question! I have never liked that look on me however it did have potential… I then tried on a dress that was the style I was looking for, sort of a tank top style with a flowy skirt and a bit of rouching on the bodice. As luck would have it, it was my favourite colour! Violet Crumble Purple, and better yet, It fit perfectly!!! The price tag was a little outrageous even though it was on sale but hey, who cares! The sales girl here was very understanding. She was Irish and I have always had a soft spot for the Irish. She tied my sash and placed a shiny broach on it. It was perfect, just enough bling. We even managed to get Greg a tie that was perfectly coordinated as well. Now Cinderella is ready to meet up with her handsome prince and go to the ball.
Some hellish moments.
Wednesday’s seem to come around very quickly now that I have hospital dates 2 weeks in a row. Greg has gone back to work yet again. This time for 3 weeks, so he will miss 2 of my hospital dates. This also means I may have the need for a chemo buddy. I started the day off with breakfast with Julie, a friend that used to be on the yacht next door to us. Julie had left the country for a while and we had lots to catch up on. As usual when it’s a catch up, time gets away and it all too soon I was due for my “social visit”. Herceptin should only take about 1.5 to 2 hours so I asked Julie if she would like to come so we could continue gas bagging… Four hours later my treatment was completed as I needed another bag of blood to boost my white cells and neutraphils… This means I have one week to get these little babies up to an acceptable level. So far every day I have been telling them to smarten up and stop being so slack. It will be interesting to see how well they have responded to my stern words of encouragement.
As it turns out, my neutrophils did do as they were told but my platelets have not (I forgot about them!). My Oncologist will wait to see how my kidney function is before making the decision on what to do. Whether my chemo will go ahead today or not. This is always an agonizing wait but all systems are go this time even though he is worried about my platelets. Ash has been in the RBH all week due to an infection that had gone horribly wrong. The poor love has had to endure countless drainings done by syringe, and ultra sounds that surly must cane like a bitch. Not to mention the countless canulas that have been put in her arms (her veins are not behaving). I even watched the Doctor suck out loads of green oozing pus from her. I was feeling very proud of myself at this moment but that was all about to change… I started to feel the room closing in on me, and fast! I started to sweat, I felt I was about to faint but I kept it to myself until after the Doctor had gone. How embarrassment! How did this sneek up on me? Probably nothing to do with my “needlephobia” or the fact that this was just so gross, but I couldn’t take my eyes off it even though I knew what was going to happen. It took a good 20 minutes for the lightheadedness to pass, and about the same time to stop feeling hot and clammy. After a short lie down at Ash’s feet I was right again. Lucky it was a public hospital and you don’t see that many nursing staff around due to the sheer volume of patients they need to attend to. It’s funny when I think about it now, in fact I break into hysterics whenever I think about it, but at the time it was far from funny. I didn’t want to cause a scene, they were busy enough as it was, they didn’t need another patient and besides, I don’t do public! Hahaha… The next day Ash finally got something other than sandwiches to eat. It looked ok but She didn’t want a bar of it. I took the lid off one of the containers and started to put salt and pepper on what I had thought was pumpkin soup. I was slightly impressed that she got that because it actually looked good, it had colour and was thick. By this time Ash was a little excited as well and took a spoon full. To her horror it wasn’t pumpkin soup at all it was pureed apricot! We laughed so much Ash started to cry coz it hurt so much. Like any mother I have been by her side through most of her stay trying to keep her company day and night except for today. While I had asked Britts to be there for Ash, I had totally forgotten to organize a chemo buddy for me… Someone to hold my hand… Not that I need it and I guess a part of me wanted to prove to Greg that I could do this by myself so he doesn’t have to feel so bad about not being here. I just find it very hard to sit here when I know my child is across town in another hospital being poked and prodded and stuck with needles. It’s different when it’s yourself… Your in control, you know how to make the right decisions, well sort of. I will be glad when this week is over… Not for me but for Ash. Funny, I had forgotten just how exhausting it is to be a Mum, I wanna get back to being a cancer patient just for a day at least. 19 needles and 9 days later Ash was released from hospital.