Chapter 17
The First of the Last.
It’s been raining now for days, everything is flooding. It would seem the whole of Brisbane is under water. Luckily we float although it is getting a tad wet inside ol’ Kidnapped. Greg has his work cut out trying to fix the leak in the cupboard before he leaves for his next stint away. We have had to move the boat up a few fingers to “D” because of repairs to ours in ol’ “B” finger. I’m finding the extra walk is so exhausting even though it is good for me. I think it’s just the rain making it hard for me.
Finally the last phase of my treatment has arrived… Only five weeks to go! As I showered this morning ready for the short treck into the radiology dept of the Wesley, I tried to find the pathetic little tattoo dots they had put on me some weeks earlier. All I can say is Good luck to the radiologist who has to find them! They all blend in with my freckles! I don’t know how I’m feeling, probably a mix of nervousness and excitement… I really don’t know what to expect. Will I feel like a roast chook? Will I even feel any different? I have heard all the stories, got all the facts, probably more information than I have ever had in all of my treatments. I am informed yet still feeling uncertain... The ride in seemed to take forever, even though we have done it many times before. I took my seat in the far corner of the waiting room as if trying to blend into the furniture, hoping it would all go away… Lol, kind of like they wouldn’t be able to find me… Ahhh my name is called, My cunning plan didn’t work. I walk into what I can only describe as a rabbit warren leaving Greg with my bag and only taking my sexy tie in the front gown that I was issued with when I was tattooed. I quickly got changed and then waited again to be called, this time to go into “THE” room. I got settled on the bed with my arms holding onto handle bars behind my head. They pushed and pulled me into position to line up all the markings they had now drawn on me precisely. Its funny, they are so obsessed with covering up my remaining boob with a sheet to preserve my dignity!... As if there is any of that left! I have taken my top off to so many people now I wish I had started charging a fee for the priviledge of having a poke or a gork! Next, they all left me... alone… to be fried or baked (not sure which is closest yet). They did this three times. Then I was told “that’s it, you can get dressed now”. “That’s it?” I said! That’s it????, What a let down! An anticlimax… I want the glow in the dark option! After all I think it’s the very least they could do… How boring! What a major inconvienience, every day for 15 minutes for five weeks for what feels like nothing. What a waste of time getting your top off and exposing the remaining girl. Ahhhhhh. I want my money back!… This ride’s no fun… Maybe there is more to come later!
The Small things.
One week down and four to go. The first week has gone very quickly. I still feel relatively nothing and that’s a good thing I know, although about an hour after each of the zappings I can feel my little cells being attacked again. This time though it doesn’t feel toxic. My chest is hot, (that’s hot as in heat not the other kind of “smokin” hot BTW…) kind of like a mild sunburn and I have finally worked out what it’s like lying on the table while being zapped… Its like waiting for a vending machine coffee. You know, the sound it makes, whiring and swooshing sounds of the coffee being grounded and then the water trying to force its way out into your cup. It’s funny how the small things amuse me these days. I get enjoyment out of cleaning my teeth, the gums are no longer under attack so they no longer bleed. It’s a great relief to spit white tooth paste instead of red as I have done for the last eight or so months. Impeccable timing as I have just finished my tube of “dry mouth” tooth paste. I will never have to buy that hideous crap again! It’s regular for me from now on! Yippy!!! The joy I got throwing that empty tube in the garbage was ridiculous. It was the same feeling I got when my head peeked through the surface of the water for the first time after my very first scuba dive… I can feel the fog lifting and although I still have many dumb moments and my brain still switches off from time to time, these moments seem different, a little clearer and less frequent somehow. I have the energy in my mind to run and jump everywhere! Perhaps even run a marathon or two… Ok, Im getting a little ahead of myself now… It’s just such a shame that the bones are not so eager to participate yet. I am walking a little each day, mainly because I have to get to the car every day to go to treatment. This little exercise is getting quicker and quicker. I have been going shopping a lot, not buying anything, just walking around… Its good for me right??? I even went into town to the fresh growers market. I just love that place. I bought some beautiful fresh produce for dinner, soooo fresh and soooo yummy. Again, it’s the little things.
Losing my mind…Again.
My days are filled with appointments here and there of some kind, sometimes many in one day. Most of the time I have no idea what day it is, I just know I have to be at certain places at certain times. I thought my mind was coming back and I try to challenge myself everyday to make it work. I have even caught myself telling the shop assistants how much change I should have… How embarrassing… But maybe I was a little hasty in thinking this. After finishing one of my daily “nuking” with the vending machine and I having just said my goodbye to the reception staff, I was called back and asked “aren’t you staying for your appointment with Minjae?”, (my radiation Oncologist). I looked and replied “that’s Wednesday, tomorrow isn’t it?” apparently it was already Wednesday and I’d just lost a day! All the women in the waiting room roared with laughter as they were so glad that this foible had happened to someone else for a change. They were not the only ones losing their minds to the treatments they are subjected to… You know, I felt good leaving the hospital that day because I had made others laugh. It has been my mission through all of this, to make as many people as I can forget their woes and laugh. Little did I know that another brain fade incident was to follow. For about ten months I have been travelling to the Wesley for treatment very regularly. It often feels that I’m there every week. This day I woke up after a fabulous sleep feeling on top of the world; the best I had felt in I don’t know how long. Hahaha you see, I can’t remember! I had an early appointment at radiology and as I was driving I remember thinking how good I felt, pretty smug about it all actually. I was so self absorbed in my thoughts and then I realized I had driven too far! Before I knew it I was miles past where I had to turn and there was no way back for quite some time. So much for my miraculously regaining my faculties! Radiation is really not that bad after my experiences to date… Well second week in its not bad, perhaps I shouldn’t get too cocky. I’m a little swollen on my chest wall, and a little stiff in my shoulders but at this stage I’m not even feeling too tired. The regular appointments are actually giving my life a purpose, a reason to get up and get moving. Maybe this is why they leave this treatment till last, to ease you back into the land of the normal… That, and to get you past the shock of just how much this stuff actually costs. I never said I was cheap and that apparently goes for both sickness (though I’m not sick!), and health just like in conventional Wedding vows… (Mine actually went more like “Yes I’ll Love you if your rich, and I’ll Love you if you’re in a ditch but you get the idea!)… I am so loving this feeling right now.
Mrs. Fixit.
I have become the Mrs. Fixit around here since Greg is working away. My little streak of creative independence is back, back with a vengeance. When things break I don’t get so bent and twisted about it anymore and that’s a good thing! I just start pulling things apart and try and fix them, just like how I used to as a small child. Dad, being the man of the house would try and fix stuff that broke around the house only to often break them even further. I would go around behind him and pick up the pieces and with my persuasive manner, or a hammer, get them working again. My beloved Gaggia coffee machine is on the fritz though and this time I am very upset. How can one start her morning without her freshly ground Zambia blend Merlo coffee? Lovingly ground and tamped to perfection to give a rich, bold, crema. Oh it brings a tear to my eye just thinking about what I am missing out on. Oh no wait, that’s still a side effect of the chemo… Anyway, I had to lower my standards and give my newly reborn taste buds a reality check. I had to buy packaged coffee, instant muck… As I drink this swill in the morning I just keep telling myself “its just for a week”. Oh god I have been spoilt. I think I will have to try pulling this machine apart, I owe it to my buds…
Holiday time.
It’s getting near summer and Christmas and since I’m still not working I want to make the most of my time off over the Christmas period. Working in retail for the best part of 20 years I have only had one Christmas off, and that was when I moved to France. I was looking forward to something though I’m not to sure what it is that im looking for. I know it will be something exciting and I want to go on a holiday after radiation finishes. It’s been eight intense months since I have had any sort of break. I need one bad! As I surf the net looking for ideal places to go, I quickly come to realize that at this time of year everything is set around either the beach, a pool or even spas. Especially here in Oz… The land of the great white beaches, sparkling pools and relaxing spas. I can’t do this… How can I participate in this lifestyle? The one we Aussies all take for granted… None of my cozies fit me! They all show off my fake boob and it’s all wrong… very very wrong. Mastectomy swim suits are available and even though they are all specifically made to house your booby they too are still too low cut for me. Oh! the curse of having high sitting perky boobs. The other alternative… Lets not go there! I may be a grandmother but I certainly am not going to dress like one. Even if it is only at the beach… Thinking back to the moment that I realized that one of my boobs was in fact being lopped off I have to say that all the emotions and dilemmas associated with this would have been made so much easier, and far less heart wrenching if I’d had the option of an immediate reconstruction. Damn you… you particular type of cancer you! I envy those that are able to have this done even though the recovery process would be longer. Their lives must be that much easier without some of the image issues. Without that hollow just down from your collar bone. I can deal with all the chemo and the loss of hair, the numb fingers and toes, the “puffy as a pig” sensation. Even the “dumb as dog poo” feeling. All this I can accept, but not being able to get clothes that cover, and fit, and look good in any situation is devastating to me. It’s a whole new world, one that I need to learn to adapt to… Lol… Wouldn’t it be great if it was winter!!!