Chapter 11
Revolving Door.
As the days get closer to my next chemo session I can feel myself getting more tense and the headaches have started. I have started to burn my essential oils again to try and relax me, and to give the air a pleasant smell. I am having a bit of fun with this concocting different infusions, something I haven’t played with in quite a while. My hair is just hanging on... It’s a shame I can’t concoct an infusion to stop hair fall. It has lasted longer than last time but I’m frightened to touch it because I know that will pull it out... Been there done that remember, but nowhere near as traumatic as the first time around. This time I know what I look like without hair and I also know there are ways around being bald… Afterall, I have my 2 friends, Miracles and Encounter, and the dozens of scarves I have accumulated over the last 6 months. I’m not sure why I don’t want it gone this time… I think it might be the feeling you have with hair, you look somewhat normal… People don’t stare as much… You just look like you keep a very short hair style but add a scarf and they know you have been sick. Or just maybe I’d like Greg to go through this with me this time… A little moral support along with his sense of humour. No matter how much you prepare for it it’s still not easy when it finally happens… Its easier but still not easy… He was away at work when the locks started falling last time and he is away again this time, however, he will be home this afternoon. So hang on my little precious foxy spikes, hang on. I miss him heaps when he’s not here but the unfortunate reality is that someone has to go and earn the big bucks. I am by no means “cheap” to run! I know, hung up on the appearance thing again… I just start to get used to a look and then it changes again. It’s like a revolving door… I never thought I’d be complaining about change!
Cupcakes but no lemonade.
Its time to get exercising… I jumped on the scales, (not something I usually do but this is how bored I have become) and although I still get exhausted fairly easily these days I have been walking laps of the marina to build up my stamina. Around about 2k’s and building. I want to go back to work but at the moment I know it would be a struggle just to get though the day. It would seem that I did indeed get the fat bald drugs after I specifically asked not to have that type. I’m sure it wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact I’m not as active as I was, or the addiction that has kind of consumed me at present, I know it’s just a stage but I have no will power at the moment… This addiction that has overpowered me is “cupcakes” I love them and I can’t get enough of them I think about them most of the time. Tragic huh? Those soft fluffy cakes with the most decadent creamy mounds of icing and cute little shapes that decorate the top. Stars, hearts, butterflies, the little sugar balls in all sizes and colours… They all look so beautiful and taste divine. The tragic part is that I can access them very easily. Their home is just at South Bank, just a short ferry ride away. It wouldn’t be so bad if I were to walk there! I would burn those calories off and those gorgeous cupcakes wouldn’t be so much of an issue. I will keep telling myself that anyway! How else am I meant to justify it??? Again, it’s going to be good have Greg back for the week, he will push me to walk further, and probably more often. By the time he goes back to work, maybe I just might be at the level I want to be at with no guilt feeling about cupcakes. Or I just might be over this latest obsession of mine only to find another to occupy my drug ravaged brain. Hmmm, maybe a Wii fit? Oh god, here goes the brain again, it’s exhausting being me sometimes!
Not so happy Jan.
My new morning ritual starts off with a workout with Giuseppe the vacuum cleaner, sucking up my hair off the pillow and bed. How annoying! My date with the chemicals didn’t go to plan this time. It would seem my “numb numb” cream didn’t work this time! After all the necessary prep with the different syringes and viles, the various bags of goodies, and the regimented preparation my nurse started to attach my drug line to my portacath as usual but this time there was an ouch! A big one! Well that wasn’t actually the word that came out (Sorry Angela, I know it shocked you too!). It felt like she was driving a 3inch nail through my chest! (not that I know what that feels like but I can only image this was what it would feel like.) I soon got over it because I had other things to worry about. She started the bag of Herceptin and some saline (I have come to hate intravenous saline, it makes me cough!). My blood work wasn’t up to scratch after the last treatment and I was told that my platelets were too low to give me my chemo drugs. I was thinking they would just give me another injection like the one I’d had before but this wasn’t possible, my white cells were a little low but not low enough to be a problem and my liver and kidneys are working a little overtime, but that’s to be expected. There is nothing they can do but wait. Platelets just have to rebuild themselves… They are the things that stop you from bleeding to death. I guess that would explain why I had had some nose bleeds that went for a wee while without stopping and my big bruise where the three inch nail went in! After seeing Dr. Geoff and having him tell me that the carboplatin was to blame, and that he’d wound the last dosage way up because I’d handled the previous treatments so well I felt a little better… After all, these were new drugs and I was given a big dose! Dr. Geoff was kicking himself for going in so hard and he’ll be dialing the next dose back. You could just see the look of disappointment on his face. So what this all means is that I now have to have the other 2 drugs, Taxotere and Carboplatin next week. This all caused my “shit on the liver” to flare up for a few days. I was the nasty grump from hell. I was very disappointed because it mean’t now I have to visit my HOCA friends 2 weeks in a row and while my Herceptin appointment is akin to a social visit, its still an inconvenience, and another day I can’t do much else. I’m tied down for 2 weeks out of 3! Not to mention I will be receiving my nasty drugs on my birthday! Not happy Jan!... Hang on, who is Jan anyway?
Foreplay.
It was time for my follow up visit with my surgeon Dr. Chris, my sexy man in his blue scrubs. As I suspected, I was indeed under a mystic cloud of delusion. We joked around a little, talked about cars, not sure why though… He asked how I was and coping with it all and he made a comment, “your always laughing”. What else am I meant to do? It’s easier to laugh than to be all sad and soppy. He was pleased with how everything was healing. We talked about my reconstruction. As I thought, this won’t be done till after radiation. He told me he has a team of 4 plastic surgeons he works with, any of whom would be an excellent choice. I always thought real people did the operation not plastic ones... He gave me a DVD on the procedure that I want, (it’s called a TRANS flap). I’m not a suitable candidate for a prosthetic implant because I will have radiation damaged skin, it makes it difficult for an implant to be accepted by your body. After watching the DVD I understand more of what will happen and how its done. It is absolutely amazing what they can do! Im very excited about this and can’t wait, even though it won’t be without a lot of pain, I know the outcome will be worth it. It’s even over shadowed the fact that my new boob is coming in a week. Im sure I’ll be just as excited next week after chemo when I get to play with my new stick on climate controlled, correctly weighted and balanced boob… Sounds a little like foreplay with an added twist… It’s fully detachable.
Bucket listed.
Greg and I took a little trip to the Gold Coast, Tiki Village at Surfers Paradise to be precise… We managed to get a great deal through our holiday club and we thought some time away from my 3 walls would be just the trick to psyche me back up for my next chemo boost. The days where perfect, couldn’t have asked for better weather... Warm sunny winter days and cool nights… Greg went to pick Gabby up for the weekend and was gone a very long time. Turns out he was sneakily purchasing a Wii fit with all the trimmings for me to play with while he is away. It’s something I had wanted for a “Wii” while now. Sheryl has one and loves it, and I can go for walks and exercise on it in short bursts until my strength improves. While we were at the coast we experienced another bucket list item… I have lost count at how many I have crossed off the list this year alone. In all the years I’ve been sailing I have never seen a whale. The only one I have seen one was from what seemed a million miles away at Airley Beach last year when the girls and I were on a girly weekend. As we all know the foo foo bird never flies too far away, and is guaranteed to always turn up at the wrong time… For the first time all week there was no sun and the rain started to fall just as we got off the bus to get to our whale watching experience vessel. You know, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was that I get to see the whales up close and personal, and believe me, up close and personal it was. While almost everyone on the boat was seasick, including every member of one Japanese family… The poor buggars didn’t get to see anything. Their entire experience was holding a barf bag to their faces with their eyes firmly shut, not fun. Anyway, we saw the whales breaching, tale and fin slapping, diving under the boat and just having a big ol’ sticky beak at us. I was amazed at just how big and beautiful these creatures are and how graceful they looked lolling around in the rolling seas. How could anyone what to harm them??? After a few hours, we moved on in search of Migaloo, the albino whale that has been gracing our shores for a number of years. Apparently there had been unconfirmed sightings of him over the past few days. He is on his way they said… We found several pods of whales but Migaloo was not amongst them. By this time we had travelled far down the coast and it was time to turn around we were full throttle punching into some very heavy seas. The other passengers just didn’t get that they either had to sit down or stop trying to walk around the boat and hang on to one of the many rails. I think there may have been a communication problem between them even though most of the crew spoke Japanese. It was quite funny to see them being tossed around and eventually landing on the ground. I know I’m going to hell but the absolute lack of ability for these people to function on a moving vessel was hilarious!... Then it was my turn… I couldn’t believe it… I had this overwhelming feeling in my tummy, rising up into my throat… I reached for a barf bag and up come my rather large cup of tea and muffin, again and again… Lol… Sorry guys but I guess my sea stomach has gotten soft. I didn’t let that minor episode spoil my day though and after re-entering the Seaway and dropping off some passengers we cruised through the calm waters of the Broadwater to our lunch destination. McLarens landing on Stadbroke Island… We where greated with live entertainment, a guy with a guitar crucifying what I’d always considered some rather good songs, and a beautiful bbq lunch buffet, not crucifed, not cremated, but just right. It was like walking onto one of those exclusive island resorts in Fiji… Palm trees, beach huts, and of course the all important fully stocked bar. Not that I felt like participating in what was on offer at the bar after having filled numerous bags on the earlier voyage. Can you believe that??? We managed to scam a fee sea plane ride too! Power of the scarf I say and more power to it. As we climbed the pilot asked if everyone was comfortable and added, “If everyone is comfortable, that’s about to change!”, I really think he was trying to show off because Greg had told him he had just got his pilot’s license. Well, he warned us to hang on, I had been in a few light planes before so I didn’t think there was a need to hang on quite so much…..ha ha I couldn’t have been more wrongerer! (I know that’s not a word but it’s the most appropriate one I have). As he snapped the plane into a 60+ degree left bank (about 2g’s worth apparently), I could feel my stomach trying to escape my body at a great rate of knots and just as I was getting on top of that, he snapped us back to the right! If it wasn’t for the fact that my tummy had already had a vigerous work out, I know I would have handled it better. My lunch stayed put but boy it was close!... My oh my I have gotten soft… We were only in the air for a few minutes but that was enough for me. Wow, what a day, I was exhausted.
Cells get it together.
It was time again to head back to my HOCA unit to try again. This time it was my hemoglobin (red cells) that were low but instead of cancelling again they decided to give me a bag of blood to build up these little suckers. Not sure how I feel about having someone else’s blood coursing through my veins but if it has to be done, it has to be done. My platelets had recovered nicely but now it was the red cells turn to get it together. It was Dr. Geoff’s (my oncologist) birthday so after singing the mandatory song that is generally sung on your birthday, he explained what was going on. Actually he couldn’t explain. He didn’t have an explaination why my red cells were taking such a battering this time. He thought that it may have been because I had previously had a course of chemo drugs. So the only thing he could do was to dial down the Carboplatin by almost half and build it up as my body allows. That will teach me to breeze through the last lot! We sat there for 6 long hours this time… Talk about being over it! I was anxious to get going to my appointment to get my new boob.
Tit in a box.
Finally I made it! I was looking forward to this so much… I was tired of my bras riding up on the left side due to there not being any weight to hold them down. Carol was waiting for me (probably anxiously) because I was late. At least I could blame the HOCA unit and it wasn’t just me being tardy. We tried on a few different shapes and weights till we found “The One”. It’s the perfect shape, its moves when you move, jiggles when you jiggle, sticks on and even is climate controlled to deal with both the heat of summer, and the cold of winter… The Rolls Royce of titties! It even has a nipple, and passed Greg’s “Feel” test! It feels so real! Carol had even sourced some nice bra and knickers sets for me. She is such a doll. One in particular was very nice. It was a German brand, not only practical and efficient yah (said in a German accent), but pretty as well. Finally I stood straight, my shoulders were back to where they are meant to be. I loved it so much so I didn’t want to take it off when it was time to go to bed but it was time to put my new boob to bed as well. She has her own bed you know, a beautiful blue specially shaped for her comfort, travel box complete with bath and her own scrubbing brush and wash solution. Good value at just $450 I say. It would seem having cancer is not cheap but who can put a price on this. Ha ha we have even met the PBS safety net for prescription drugs. This means we have a win!